Ask Your Mom (or motherly figure) Questions: Part 1
1. What are you most proud of in life?
My kids. I’m SO proud of my kids- my pride and joys. Having you kids for 18 years, that was my life, so I wanted to do the best I could. I am proud of how you guys turned out. You guys are amazing. I think because it could have been so much worse. In our house, I’m happy with how you guys turned out because of the situation (being a single mom and the struggle (without child support and stuff you didn’t see)) we were in. We lived in an apartment with gangs, but I didn’t know until a week before they got busted- the apartment complex got surrounded by FBI (you were around 7 years old). They (gang memebers) never bothered us- I was never approached, harassed…nothing. Hardly ever saw them actually.
2. How many times have you been in love?
I can honestly say, my version of love, twice. Kaylas dad and your dad. For Kaylas dad; they say “young kids don’t know what love is”, but that is so wrong. That is the most innocent love you find, because it’s your first love, and for people to discount that, that’s wrong, because it’s deep and it’s real. And it was the same for your dad. I loved him deeply. Ive never fallen in love with anybody else as much as those two.
What have you learned through those relationships?
With Tim, I thought that he would never ever look at another girl. I thought there was no way he would ever want to look at another girl. Why would he because he has me. And then to learn the hard truth that there’s a lot of pretty girls out there. You know, the first experience of cheating, and how heartbreaking that was…I’ve learned that when men cheat it’s nothing about us. It’s nothing that we did (sometimes it is); it’s them needing validation that they can get girls; could be they’re insecure and they’re proving to themselves that they can still do this stuff; it could be a sex addiction- it could be many things. It’s not all about you, but it makes you feel that way because it’s happening to you. That was hard.
Mark, it was the same thing. You know, as they said, you follow a pattern and I continued to follow that pattern with your dad and the same stuff happened, just different person.
Do you regret any of them?
No. No I don’t. I learned so much. I can see red flags a mile away now. And to feel love, some people don’t ever get to feel that. It was real. It was genuine. And I got to feel it twice. And I got kids out of it. And I don’t hold any grudges towards them.
3. Which three events most shaped your life?
The first would probably be, being pregnant at 15 years old. I didn’t tell anybody except my sister Shauna- I didn’t plan on telling anybody, not even my best friend. I was wearing a robe one morning and it came open and my mom saw my belly and she asked “when was the last time you had your period?”, and I said “seven months ago”, crying. So that experience for sure, because then I had the baby and moved to Alaska. It was supposed to be a short visit, and I ended up moving there. So having a baby and continuing on with the relationship, the babies dad, whom I never thought I’d see again- that was kind of odd, but we did our best. He was a year younger than me; I was 15 and he was 14. So us trying to be adults when we’re just kids, that was very challenging. Going back to Minnesota after being in Alaska, trying to pick up my life after that fell apart. That was quite impactful. Even then I didn’t feel grown up. I had nowhere to turn, no adults to talk to; I didn’t get good life advice from adults like I should have, like I felt I should have.
Getting married at 27 years old. Getting married, thinking that would take care of all my problems- that was a big mistake. It was for the wrong reasons. That only lasted for two years. Now I found myself a single mom of two (Greg, your brothers dad, was abusive to you and your dad didn’t show up to the hospital when you were born), and to do it all by myself. That was very eye opening, and realizing that you can’t depend on nobody but yourself, at the end of the day.
When your dad went to prison. Well how it all happened was, I couldn’t let you go with your dad anymore after I found out he was using meth; he accidentally butt dialed me and I heard conversation about how high he was (you were almost a teenager, 13 or 14).
4. Were you ever scared to be a parent?
No. I was just in deep denial. I rolled with it. Kayla and I didn’t have that mother/daughter bond at first because I was so young and I had no clue what I was doing. That was very hard. It’s not like I didn’t want to- I didn’t know how to be a mom to her. Then I got pregnant with you (at 23 years old); I was excited! You were so independent and stubborn, very quiet. I just wish I spent more time playing with you kids, instead of being so structured. I wish I had the mindset at that age, where “that’s not important right now,” because not I realize, it wasn’t. But that was the way I functioned- if everything was in order, I’m doing ok. So when you have kids, play with them, because the dirt doesn’t matter.
5. What have you learned about other people in life?
When I was younger, I thought everybody had my best interest. Everybody was looking out for me, and turns out that they don’t. Turns out that people don’t think the way you do. If you’re a good hearted person, you think they would treat you the same way, that you would treat them, but I was very wrong. That was a hard lesson to learn, it’s hurtful. When people say things to you that you would never say to them. I still struggle with, ‘don’t put expectations on people’, because you don’t know what you’re going to get. You’re just going to get disappointed. Ive gotten a lot better. People don’t stick to a plan. Plans fall through, things change. I think the hardest thing to realize about people is that they don’t react to situations as you would, and don’t expect them to. It’s something you have to except about other people- they’re not like you.