Your Own Company

When I wake up, I think I stare at the ceiling for a good 10 minutes before I do anything. I then drink a glass of water and proceed to boil hot water making my first cup of green tea for the day. I eat breakfast- eggs or buckwheat pancakes or leftover pizza…I know. 

I have written down what I need to get done for the day, the night before. I like to make phone calls to my family and message friends first thing because I have learned how easy you can lose touch with the ones you love. They are my biggest support system.

I did this project of writing down all that I have done since moving here to ‘Lost Angeles’ (eight strange years). I wanted to check in with myself; did I still need to be here? Thinking about my past- I really couldn’t have chosen to experience life any other way. It’s definitely not what I thought would happen in my life (all of the events that took place), but I believe, for me, something “like that” was bound to inevitably happen. 

I came for a purpose; turned to love lost; to “finding” (or creating) myself or getting back to it; to hitting rock bottom; to climbing back up…and now maintaining that. I spent a majority of that time in survival mode, so “chasing my dreams”, wasn’t really in the cards for me. For the majority of my time here.

I lost my direction. 

Now I understand that the choices you do make will eventually catch up to you. I have worked hard to get to where I am. Now I need to work even harder to get to where I need to be and make the “right” choices (right for me).

Finally having my own studio apartment, I have found this is what I have needed. The rent is outrageous, but I am more sane, happy, and accomplishing more everyday. I have had roommates for 7.5 years- this is the first time with time alone. 

If you live in LA and are on the fence of paying a little (or a lot) more for a studio…DO IT. The best thing I have done for myself. 

In my post about ‘Love’, I talked about not being able to live without my ex. How my life was o-v-e-r. Very dramatic stuff. I think most of us have been there before. Going through this at least once- once your heart breaks, you find yourself recovering quicker in almost any situation. 

That boy that you like, that doesn’t like you. Fine. Not wasting time. That’s where I’m at. 

Feels good.

Anyways. 

That was my first relationship though, and having it end in LA, was terrifying. I was already living in L.A. for about three years, so you would think I’d get along swimmingly, but it was my first time a-l-o-n-e in L.A. after the breakup. Big difference. 

No wonder they call it the lonely city, or however the phrase goes. It’s a feeling that is… not the greatest. Maybe that’s why everyone has a dog? Or like 3 cats. Or drugs. 

I mean for the “adopted” (not native to LA), you’re away from friends and family. When you come here, life is still life, you can’t rush the process and exactly when your vision of the dream will come to fruition. Not only that, you may change your mind with what you came here for. Discovering parts of yourself and what you truly want to do, you’re good at, and love to do, takes time. It’s worth it when you do finally get to that point. 

Point is: you come here and there is no telling how long you will be here. You are now in a time warp. I swear it was last year was 2013 and now it’s 2021. Making sure you have a direction and not getting lost in others is important. 

It’s just crazy to think how I couldn’t handle being alone. I love the peace of it all now. 

I needed time. Time to heal. To heal so people do want to be around me, and me around myself. Seriously, time is ‘thee medicine’, for this kind of “stuff”, relationship “stuff” (well, and everything (lol)). I spent a good three years after the breakup doing…I’m not sure. Getting myself ‘right’. Getting back on track; back in the game. I took the time I needed to heal. 

I’m in my own company, same as I always have been, but as a stronger and wiser woman. I’m not talking about being in my own company as in Single (relationship status), but simply able to know I have myself and be comforted by that thought. I’m not afraid of being by myself. We all go “through” so much. Different “things” at different times. Getting to the point of feeling at home with yourself no matter where you are, is the best feeling.