Myself

I am no longer living in denial. I’m no longer looking at others to ease the pain that is actually caused by Me. All that has happened in my life is because of the unknown trauma I never thought I had. I would invite anything and everything in my life that would distract the feelings lingering inside of myself. Most of the time I would point fingers at the other person, thinking they were the reason I felt ‘such and such’ ways, and any situation I would be in was all because of them. Not until this recent toxic relationship (adding to the list of previous toxic relationships I was involved in), did I look at myself. This relationship was my lesson. It took love-bombing, isolation, gaslighting, anxiety, and loss of self to understand that I allowed all that was happening to me. This treatment is all on me. After my first relationship, I continued to fill the void of wanting to be in a relationship (I never used to be “like this”), thus just attracting all the wrong people into my spiritual bubble. This resulted in having the lowest self-esteem and self worth I never thought I would feel or experience. To feel outside of yourself is the strangest feeling. The Me I enjoyed was lost and I didn’t know how to retrace my steps in getting all that I loved about myself, back. Answer: I needed to get back to me. I didn’t need anyone- I was building more hurt on top of the hurt I was already pushing down. I have/(had) codependent tendencies and go through life people pleasing where I don’t/(didn’t) know what I want and need anymore. 

Chasing a dream, the wrong people, and the work-hard-dont-play-till-you-get-it grind used to be the essence of feeling alive and making this Life worth living. This pandemic isn’t the first time I’ve felt the proverb of ‘Patience is a Virtue’ flood my brain, with the two repeated words, “STAY POSITIVE”, becoming my best friend. Life is not always going to go your way and I had to accept that with complete frustration consuming me. I have to be in control of my life to feel safe. If it wasn’t one thing, it was another and surviving was my main goal- the blueprint of my other reality had to be put on hold while I lived my current reality I didn’t agree with or like. I seemed to constantly be drowning and everybody around me had the reins over MY life. Control over my own life was being taken out of the palm of my hands. 

I constantly made plans and goals, in hopes and belief they will all be achieved and aligned with the success that I desire and work towards. For as long as I can remember, I was always planning for the future; doing this makes me feel assured and safe that I’m “on the right path” and makes for “less of a mess”. I don’t see what I have in front of me. I talk about living in the present so much, I didn’t realize I was always mapping out how things are going to go and what I need to do. I plan so much I forget what living actually feels like. I toss all my happiness to the side thinking that when I get to where I want to be, THEN I’ll finally be happy. A sick mentality that I couldn’t be happy because I haven’t done anything to deserve happiness, yet. During this isolation reminiscing through some old pictures I brought back to LA from Minnesota and reading through ALL of my journals (2010-2020) of how I felt in the past, made me sad and embarrassed- unwanted feelings crept in, but what I wrote told me how much I’ve always wanted ‘something’ more than the actual reality I was living in. Pushing (what feels like), inch by inch, to get to where I wanted to be, but not actually fulfilled. I mean, I couldn’t be fulfilled until my dreams came true and I was with yet another guy that made me feel another phase of miserable. I was scared to do “this” (life) by myself. I completely lost all of my independence.

To what extent though? To what extent would I keep feeling, almost inanimate, until I got to where I wanted. Who’s to blame? I desire something I can almost taste, it’s like an addiction. Actually, it was an addiction, and I could taste it- I just wanted to push harder so I could taste more until my addiction of desire and being loved was fulfilled and I “reached the finish line”. I wanted to know what it feels like not to struggle for once; a constant reminder to hold my breath and keep going no matter how much pain I was feeling- fearful of losing all that I have been working towards, I would continuously suppress all and every feeling. Life has a way of catching up with you and sometimes makes you think you are not allowed to be happy, due to all the “adulting” required to “live here” (on earth). For me, chasing the unknown (dream), but also having to keep up with “the real world”, I become serious so I didn’t trip, fall, and fail. The doubt creeps in and I ask myself, if all of this pain, hoping, and the uncertainty is worth it. I discovered my codependency patterns and the only time I also felt alive was in a relationship; they were the toxic relationships that left me questioning my self worth and existence. I would work so hard to chase my goals and get involved in unhealthy relationships- I forget who I used to be and what’s actually important; losing touch with the ones who actually had my best interest. Now at 30 years old I am learning what self care actually means and FEELS like. With incidents happening out of my control; I had to look at myself in the mirror, and that was the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever done. 

I think about how much I miss my mom, not seeing her for four years, and missing my dad, my best friend(s), and all of my extended family. I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about packing my bags to avoid all these feelings that arise- I’m missing out on everyone hanging out, having babies and marriages and stuff. I also know that I’m thinking in a fantasy world because I do realize the cold hard reality of ‘Change'- things can’t go back to how they were before, it’s unrealistic. So instead of living in my childhood brain, I close my mind tight and see myself achieve the success I’m consistently working towards without depending on a guy to fulfill my unknown insecurities and needs, as well as only letting the best people for me, inside my world. Knowing I can’t have things back to what they were before, I also know I don’t want that. Things happen for a reason, exactly as it should. I chose this path, I own it, and I want it- my happiness, confidence, independence, and true family and friends, are what I need and what I will continue to maintain, to at least feel like “all this” is worth it. In the book ‘Metahuman’, Deepak Chopra says, “Happiness is blocked if you keep remembering and rehashing old hurts, but just as effectively if you forget how happy you once were…”

It’s not that I forgot I need family and friends; I was involved in an isolated relationship, additionally, I wasn’t watering “those plants” because of my severe focus on all the wrong “things”- so eventually most of my relationships got dehydrated. Getting ‘caught up’ and lost in the wrong people had me put the most important people to the side. I was thinking my dream was most important and those guys who took parts of me, were the ingredients needed to feel worthy. Remembering that my family and friends are the key ingredients to have a happy and healthy life, as well as having the utmost respect for myself- I can now move forward in a non destructive pattern knowing what I want and need. Living in a healthy mind, body, and soul- I work to manifest only the best for my life, to make sure I do not repeat my past. I forgive myself and will be a better judge of character with who I associate with and let in romantically. To give and to utilize my talents and share my experiences with the world- to be more open and vulnerable, and do whatever the F*%^ I want for me and my life without searching for validity from another person…is, for me, the essence of feeling alive and making this Life worth living. Feels good to finally look at myself in a better light.