I believe love is the number one thing we all need and live for.
I remember saying “I love you” to my first boyfriend. I said those words because I thought I would feel that way later. I wasn’t sure if I felt those words as they came out that day. I said “I love you” back because I was afraid I would say the wrong thing if I didn’t.
For me, to love something, I need time, and a lot of it. Or maybe I don’t. With some people, you know quicker than others. Love can be a gamble. With billions of people in the world, you meet people by chance and possibly one of those people are who you will fall in love with. And your version of it.
Love is universal, but how we receive and give love, is different for each person. The reasons for that may be influenced by both nature and nurture; genetics and life experiences. I think the most beautiful word is Love as well as the most prized feeling to give and receive.
After I experienced my first “Love” (with all that is included in this package deal), I craved more. It’s nice to know you have someone there- a shoulder to lean on when life gets a little bumpy. But when it’s your first experience at love, how do you know it’s good for you. You don’t really. I had to google everything after the relationship to learn new words I had no idea ceased to exist when describing a personality. Those red flags I didn’t know I had to look out for.
After my first relationship ended, I was lost and couldn’t function in this world without him. Yeah, it’s embarrassing to admit, but it’s what happened. Love can either build you up or tear you down. With the confidence I had in the beginning of the relationship, I should have left much sooner when I felt those uncomfortable gut feelings- before all those qualities I appreciated about myself, deteriorated. Little did I know, this relationship and the one after, were formulated from my past: a destructive pattern of unhealthy relationships.
In college, I took a theatre class- our professor assigned us to reenact a memorable moment that has happened to us. Blocking out all trauma from my childhood, I had to really think and dig deep into parts of my past, revealing myself, to myself. I carried out a memory I will never forget; the start of trauma that subconsciously became my shadow for years to come.
The memories with my dad played a role in how I perceived relationships and love to be. When I had the experience of my first relationship(s) I unknowingly became codependent as well as thinking that the treatment they were giving me was/is Love. Victoria Hockaday, states perfectly in her blog, “codependency is rooted in childhood trauma or the lack of having a parent who emotionally comforted us when we needed them. If we didn’t lovingly bond with our primary caregiver in the early stages of life…then most likely we developed codependent patterns or tendencies. For example, when we were children, we were helpless and reliant on our parents to survive. So, we learn’t that in order to survive we had to be “nice” or be a “good girl” to purchase their love. As a result, we grow up thinking that we need to put other people’s needs before our own. So, we lose ourselves because most of our life has been based on making other people happy.”
With my, then, codependent behavior I didn’t see my self worth anymore and gave everything up for their happiness. If someone is 50/50 with you, they won’t want to put you “through the wringer”. They want you to succeed and don’t need to use you to get to where they need to be or demean you, to give their life meaning. The effort will be joint; if you feel as if you are sacrificing parts of you and your life (negatively) to keep the relationship together, get out. That is not a relationship. You are playing with fire. Looking in the mirror at myself, instead of what they did, is what I realized needed to happen if I wanted to change the blueprint of dating for my future.
In an online article of the Independent, Lindsay Dodgson explains that, “If we experienced trauma in the past, whether that’s with parents or with past relationships, we may try and fill the void with dating people who are similar. This is because we might subconsciously think we can fix the past by repeating it with a different person. The damaging, toxic relationship you build may feel comfortable because it is the type you are used to.”
The relationships in my past were, “you can hurt me, because you love me and I love you. I’ll do whatever I can to make this work.” That was my definition of Love- I had nothing to compare the meaning to. Now I understand that there are people who can love you (unconditionally), treat you kindly, and never intentionally do anything that would cause you pain.
‘Love’ also doesn’t mean a significant other. Maybe at this time of your life, it’s falling In Love with You (as this should always remain) and those dreams you left on the strip of Sunset Boulevard. Love is not easy, but I also think it can be. Enjoying your life and what you do while manifesting amazing people in your circle, can only bring joy and happiness.
I now know I was searching for the love that felt comfortable to cover/get past my childhood trauma. Coming to this self epiphany, is life changing. Those relationships changed my life, but I also believe in happy endings.